The past few days I’ve felt great. I’ve felt powerful. I’ve felt inspired. It’s like the sun has finally begun to rise on what was a very dark time. I’m excited for the future and grateful for the past. I’m more aware of who I am and where I’m going.
Typically, from this state of being you would get a very ‘motivational’ post. I would project all this unbalance, positive energy as though everything is absolutely perfect. It would be one that aligns with my ‘anything is possible’ attitude. Today is going to be different.
A few years ago, while working at an event, I decided to spend one of my breaks with a psychic who was doing free readings. I had already begun to believe more and more in this idea of a mysterious universe, so I sat in front of her being both intrigued and nervous. I knew she was going to give me important clues, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear them. After she jotted down my birthday she looked at me and smiled. She was a Leo (sun sign) too and was very familiar with the journey I unknowingly chose for this lifetime. After she proceeded to tell me a few things that ended up being scarily accurate, she began to explain the essence of my journey,
“In this lifetime you will go through peaks and valleys. In the peaks you will feel like a true Leo, living in the spotlight like a star. In the valleys however, the world will retreat leaving you alone to make it through. You will feel abandoned by everyone you think should be there for you. However, your biggest challenge will be to see this as a benefit in growing the strength necessary to reach new peaks and endure deeper valleys.”
That really stuck with me for a long time. I became quite good at riding the peaks and surviving the valleys. There were obvious struggles like what to do if I agreed to a speaking contract in advance but ended up in a valley on the day of. Or how to make it through the valleys without hurting my reputation as being an ‘in control’ personal development superstar who had ‘figured things out.’
Up and down like a never ending roller-coaster, I allow my levels to spike when I felt good and crawled under a rock when I felt like crap. It was exhausting.
After a while I decided I was going to try to hack this process. I decided I was going to build up all sorts of coping mechanisms to keep me strong during the valleys. As I mentioned in one of my recent posts, not only is it unsustainable, but even dangerous. This year I was faced with the true understanding of what it means to ‘break’ with the inability to create/use any coping mechanisms. I officially ‘drowned’.
Thankfully, it’s made me wiser and I’m seeing a new approach that I never saw before. If there’s anything I want to give to you this year – it’s this…
Yes, I feel awesome these past few days. Hopeful for the future. And I feel incredibly scared of what’s to come. I feel overwhelmed for the pressure that his life purpose puts on me. I feel like the mission I’ve embarked on is too big for me. I feel like I’m crazy for what I have grown to believe. I fear the judgements that will be made of me in sharing these beliefs. I feel exhausted from what the dark times put me through. I feel angry certain things aren’t going me way. I feel hurt by things people say and do to me. I feel regretful for what I’ve done to others. I feel joy in knowing I’m alive to feel all these feelings. I feel proud to know I have another day to contribute in a way that lights up my soul. I feel like there’s not enough time to get out everything I’ve been giving. I feel like I’m moving forward. I feel like I’m falling behind.
I. FEEL. ALL. OF. THESE. THINGS.
So, yes, while my life is going to take me to peaks and pull me into valleys, maybe it’s not so much trying to get to or away from either of them per se, but to embrace both. To become aware and and honest of ALL my feelings and learn to communicate them as best as possible.
Sure, as I talked about in this post there will be certain parts of me that will be projected outwards more than others, but it doesn’t mean I have to choose to only be just one in that moment. I can be multiple choices. I can be whole.
Fuck, talk about relief eh. Like a rushing river, the energy plunges into my core as I stand there complete in the giant swamp of contradictions, accepting that all of them are who I am in any and every moment. To know that to be authentic isn’t about forcing myself to choose the right part of me to be or express, but to ctrl-a that shit and choose ALL of it… to be all of it at once. To express all of it in varying degrees.
Think about your life right now. In this very moment – who are you? how do you feel?
Now instead of trying to choose ‘a right answer’.. write down all the ‘answers’ that comes to mind. Don’t be afraid to get really contradictory with yourself – you can be tired and awake. Because of our schooling and capitalist society we’ve been told there can only be one right answer, and so your mind’s conditioning is going to fight back. Let it. However, every time it does, ask yourself “Why must there only be one right answer? Why can’t I be and feel different things in varying degrees?” That question will spark your mind to become more rational of your unconscious decision-making process and start to cripple itself in needed to choose only one answer. The more you practice this, the more your mind will believe in the multiple parts of you as existing and being true all at once.
In time you will become free. Not in the sense of being able to choose any answer, but in a much deeper sense of being able to choose all the answers at once. To be a product of numerous perspectives. To be a instrument of numerous energies simultaneously impacting this planet. To be an all-encompassing force instead of a narrow, limited laser.
As we approach the new year – commit to yourself you will break free from the box you put yourself in and become the box itself. You are the six sides as much as you are the 8 corners. You are the top as much as you are the bottom. You are the necessity of the inside just as much as you are the necessity of the outside. You are all of it. Always have been. Always will be. All you’re doing now is just becoming one with this idea.