Am I Going Crazy?

in Rant

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Since last Saturday my mind has reached a whole new level awareness.
Like I’m talking – Whole. Nutha. Level.
Shi* is off the chain!

I’m able to move my consciousness into any part of my body like butter sliding along a hot frying pan.
I can process information in my imagination faster than ever before, almost making it feel like I’m able to control the speed of time.
My body is releasing pain and tension like steam coming out of a boiling kettle, to the point that I actually feel like I’m expanding.
As I listen to music, I literally feel myself melting into the music.

It’s surreal… unreal… uplifting… soulful… magical.

Here’s the struggle I face – it’s a journey all taking place in my head. 

It’s like the polar opposite of the depression I faced last year. The only difference being that instead of a giant negative narrative taking control of me, it’s a positive one. I’m realizing aspects of life I’ve been ‘asleep’ to for so long and it literally feels like I’m ‘waking up’.

Am I going crazy?

While some people have been able to resonate with my messy attempts at communicating what’s going on, I can’t help but feel like when I share what’s happening – I’m often viewed as crazy… They become concerned and say “Are you OK?” Or they laugh as though I’m joking.

But I know this is real… whatever the hell that even means now.
Over 5 years of epic strife, cumulating into not just an understanding – but an experience of that understanding.

Here I am experiencing the life I’ve always dreamt of, yet I’m writing to you about how upset I am people aren’t seeing me as normal…. normal.

What is normal?

It’s funny to think about that word… normal.

I’ve never felt like I quite fit in… was normal… but here I am finally feeling the tangible impact of my craziness.

And I love it. I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. I would never choose anything other than what is happening today.

So today I want to declare to you something I’ve been too scared to declare to myself for too long…

Today, I choose to be crazy.

I’m tired of living my life by the confines of normal.
It’s exhausting.
Nothing normal even makes rational sense anymore.
I can’t do it.

Today, I finally accept that not everyone will be able to understand the journey going on in my head.
What I’m going through is my experience and all I can do with it is enjoy the show and share how it goes.

I accept that some people may choose to walk out of my life just as some others will choose to walk in.
C’est la vie.

I agree to the fact that the courage I’ll be forced to build will be far greater than that of being normal.
The pain will be intensified.
The struggle real.
The rewards great.
The payoff worth it.

Today, I step up to the plate of my life and go to bat.
I plant my feet firmly in the reality I choose. Not just now, but in every moment moving forward.
I dedicate myself to sharing this incredible feeling I’ve been gifted to all those who seek it.

Today, I choose to be me. 


Photo by Jonas Verstuyft on Unsplash



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